I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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