I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
