Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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