My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
