This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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