It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
