Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Are we still banned from the library?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
