I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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