Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
