I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
