NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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