her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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