goodnight i made you a song goodbye
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
