So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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