Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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