my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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