Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
