Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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