I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
