You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
