If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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