i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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