If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
