life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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