a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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