We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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