She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
