My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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