I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
