dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
