If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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