i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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