Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
