He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
