No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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