Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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