I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
