Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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