What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
