I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
