The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
