my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This is my gift to your gina
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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