I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
