you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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