My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
