Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
