Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
