Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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