you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
