make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
