I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
