the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
