I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
