$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
