so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
