I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
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It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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