I skipped work to stalk him.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
4 words: hood of his car
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
