Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
