Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
